Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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