i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
