Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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