When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize