Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
