Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
