bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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