end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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