If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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