The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
