I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
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