You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
