I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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