I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
