Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
drinking out of a sandbucket again
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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