Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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