just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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