He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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