chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
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