Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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