Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize