She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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