Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
