Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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