I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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