finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
