I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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