having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
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