I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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