dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
