Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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