Say something about gay babies.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My vagina is officially offended.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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