I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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