I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
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