Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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