My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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