the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
