The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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