We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
