In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
