we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
