Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
