A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
