The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
