weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
