I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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