You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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