Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize