God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
