Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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