Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
