This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
