Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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