Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize