Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
