First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize