Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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