Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
