i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
