I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
