I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize