Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
