mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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