If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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