omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
