There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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